March 20th, 2019


Self-work update #1

It's sort of wonderful that I find myself correcting my way of thinking sometimes now, although it's admittedly harder to do when hormones are working against it. But you know, I may start to think "nobody will want to come with me to X" or "nobody will want me there" and I'll correct myself: "I am welcomed everywhere with open arms" (which is true, nobody's ever told me to fuck off and people appear generally happy to see me) and IT SOUNDS SO CORNY, the positive thinking version, but it shouldn't. It only sounds corny because I've been kicking myself mentally for so long, to the point where it's hard to even accept that people might actually like me and like to hear what I have to say. I've sorta been a person who *thinks* they love and accept themselves, but in reality, I'm constantly doubting myself and putting myself down even as I'm achieving some pretty cool things. For example, I publicly and successfully defended my dissertation last November. After that I hosted a dinner party, which I've never done before. And that's just a big thing. My life's been full of small successes, overcoming fears, especially concerning social situations. Recently I realized I'm a lot more spontaneous than I think, too (or have become that way). If someone were to suggest we should go enter a rowing contest tomorrow, I'd probably say yes, why not, it'll be funny if nothing else. I've been thinking I've become braver during my PhD studies, but I think I need to realize that I've always had it in me. I've always done things "my way", worn what I want, been friends with who I want, spent my time how I want. I think what has just happened more recently is that the world of possibilities for what I can do and achieve has become wider. For example, I can actually make new friends (whereas in the past I was stuck thinking I can't have a conversation with a stranger). I can do interesting work, if the opportunity comes around, or even better, if I create that opportunity for myself.

I am SO free-flowing right now, this is not what I came here to write haha.

What I came here to write was that I got more literature to work with by accident, I believe they call the genre life-design. But I saw a book in my brother's bookshelf and he let me borrow it: Timothy Ferriss's The 4-Hour Work Week. Like with the Badass book I have to adjust it a bit to my own situation, but there's been some quite interesting stuff already.

One interesting note is in contrast with what I said in the earlier post, from Nate Green, about starting a habit by starting from something so easy that "anyone could do it". Ferriss instead points out that dreaming big, well, the bigger dream may be more likely to become true because you are more motivated and driven to achieve it. Basically, holding yourself back and giving yourself 'mediocre/realistic' dreams may work against you being able to achieve, well, anything. Say, as a Finnish person you could dream of a weekend holiday in a local spa (zzz) or of a two-week adventure holiday in Australia. You start kinda saving for the spa and then lose all motivation because honestly it's not very exciting and zzzzzzzz. But AUSTRALIA. Exciting. How awesome would that be. Time to put some money aside, time to plan, can't wait for it to happen... and boom, one day it's actually achievable and you've done it. Just because you dared to have the dream to begin with. So, I guess it's really situational what works. To some, starting a habit (like exercise), maybe the "go once a week to gym" thing works. But to someone else it might be more efficient to think "fuck this, if I'm going to get fit, I'm going to be working towards a motherfucking sixpack and a marathon and I'm gonna be a kickboxing master and all this stuff hell yeah". And they may be more likely to get results the "crazier" the dream sounds.

So, I kind of have a list of my 6 month and 12 month dreams that are rather achievable and something I can work on immediately (like "spend more time with friends"), and then a separate list for the "crazy" likely long term dreams, like "I want to have a house with custom built cat climbing wall stuffs and a sauna" ahahaha.

Another main insightful thing was when the book gave advise for counting a budget, a monthly goal income for achieving our dream. And the amount that I came up with is actually shockingly low, although I admit I didn't include any HOUSE PURCHASES in it, or new beds or blenders or whatever... But to have the kind of lifestyle that I want, and being able to travel, man. I would not need much. Which makes me hopeful because if I can just get a job, the job will probably pay me more than what I would need to live my 'goal' lifestyle, which means I could even dream bigger and like, also get that new bed and that new blender and not go broke. Huh. (Of course, if I need to move, my living costs will rise and that will influence what I need per month, but even so... being a little bit minimalistic helps, I am not a big shopper anymore and tend to weigh whether I really need something or not)

But basically. I'm listening to these ideas and adjusting and adapting them to my situation and needs and taking steps forward in being closer to living an even better kind of life (because it hasn't been TERRIBLE, just a little too risk-free and in stagnation). It's kind of funny though, doing this, I almost feel busy even if I'm unemployed. lol